I can buy a fez.

sauntering-vaguely:

My unbuttoned shirt slips to the floor. Gently, he pushes me down onto the bed. His hand slides up my thigh.

“Oh God please,” I whisper, “somebody help Will Graham.”

(via jedlelands)

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along
the beach with the Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one set of footprints.

This bothered him, because he noticed that at the very lowest and saddest points of his life, there was only the single set of footprints.

So he said to the Lord, “You promised that if I followed you, you’d walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.”

And the Lord replied, “Yeah… somebody really should have helped you, Will Graham.”

A quote apocryphally attributed to Winston Churchill still serves as one of the finest insults available. The story goes that Churchill was confronted by MP Bessie Braddock, who declared, “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.” Churchill, without missing a beat, returned, “Madam, I am drunk. But in the morning, I will be sober, and someone should help Will Graham.”

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, “Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first.” The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, “I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.”

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear’s second turn for a wish. “Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well.”

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, “I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female.”

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, “I wish that SOMEONE HELP WILL GRAHAM”

alotoflance:

does hannibal eat anything besides people like does he ever eat doritos

(via olivesaverin)